Brother Banjo
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Heroic duty vs. the essence of evil


Banjo's eyes snapped open. He gasped for air viciously as he sprang up from his pillow.

"Where am I?" the Honey Bear shouted.

Boggy was sitting by Banjo's bedside. "Banjo! You are finally awake! Thank goodness!"

"Enough gab, tubby. Why in the world was I sleeping for?"

Boggy had tears in his eyes. "Banjo, you have been in a coma for over twenty years."

"Where is everyone else?" said Banjo, frantically scanning the room.

"They were defeated by Gruntilda the Witch. I'm sorry, brother…"

Banjo began to weep. He ran out of the room and launched himself past the nurses in the establishment, piledriving anyone who got in his way.

"This cannot be happening!" cried Banjo. He ran outside and was hit by a car, but his mighty abs cushioned the collision. Instead the car exploded against the awesome fortitude of his muscular midsection.

Kazooie stepped out of the car, machine gun slung across her back and a belt of grenades in her throat. "Banjo?" she gasped.

"Kazooie?" said Banjo. The two ran up to one another and embraced. "What is happening, my Breegull buddie?"

"War, Banjo. We are in the middle of great strife!" said Kazooie. Just then, a missile landed right next to the two and detonated, decimating the entire city.

"Dartmouth…" grunted Banjo as he dusted himself off. He took out his twin plasma cannons that he had received from the battle of Xorton V.

"Mu-wahahaha!" laughed a sinister voice. A malevolent Aardvark stepped out of the wreckage, decked out in a cyborg suit of deadly proportions. His butt was steel and his abs were evil.

"Dang all chickens…" grumbled Kazooie, she locked and loaded.

"It's Mr. Fit…" said Banjo. He charged forward with a heroic roared and pounced onto the villain's horrifying nose.

"Ha! You've fallen right into my trap!" cackled Mr. Fit. He then shot lasers out from his nasal pathways and disintegrated Banjo's head.

"Banjo, no!" cried Kazooie.

"Oy, you removed my head," said the headless Banjo. "But it appears you are not familiar with the divine arts of Canada Nui…" Banjo then whisked his arms around in order to summon a new head, one with a more impressive jawline that added to his wholesome grandiose abs.

"Nice magic powers, but can you defend yourself against THE OLDEST ANARCHY SERVER IN MINECRAFT!" screeched Mr. Fit as he commanded the skies to rain down fiery meteors upon the battlefield.

Banjo and Kazooie managed to dodged every evil attack, but some innocent bystanders had been caught in the crossfire, including Bottles.

"Dang, he's dead again…" muttered Banjo. "I'mma hafta clobber this here fitness fool…"

"Try as you might, my musculature is too powerful," said Mr. Fit. He lunged towards Kazooie and delivered a sick punch to the gut. Kazooie spewed forth all of her stocked grenades. They all detonated at once, causing further global chaos.

"Kazooie! Stay with me!" cried Banjo as he held his best friend near and dear.

Kazooie coughed and placed a loving wing of friendship upon Banjo's studious pectorals. "You can do it, Banjo…"

"NO!" roared Banjo as his birdie breathed her last. He lay her down into the earth and buried her with the strawberry jam that was left over from the destruction of Cloud Cuckoo Land.

"What now, bozo bear?" taunted Mr. Fit with a sly eyebrow and a rotten core.

"I'll destroy all of your tarnishing evils!" screamed Banjo, he then powered up and his fur morphed into a golden hue of perfection and righteousness. Banjo rammed into Mr. Fit with a fist burning into his cybernetic torso armour. His hand burrowed further into the gears and wires and retracted to bring forth the central processor. He crushed it with a flick of his wrist and dined on the iron like a ravenous doer of justice.

"You cannot win!" shouted Mr. Fit in disbelief.

"Shut your face, Arthur Read!" growled Banjo. "I already have won!" Banjo then absorbed the sun and powered up his punch to 6 trillion megatons. He administered the ultimate pain onto Mr. Fit's dumb laser nostrils and finally secured a victory twenty years in the making.

That night, after the debris was cleared from the city, everyone came to visit Boggy and ask of Banjo's whereabouts.

Boggy wept. "I fear he is no longer with us. He gave his all."

"What a shame…" said Jamjars. "The punk was a true hero!"

"Me so grateful for bear and bird's noble sacrifice…" said Mumbo.

"Yes, but we mustn't taint their holy legacy with our tears," said Boggy. "Come, let us continue our goodness all throughout the worlds and spread positivity and joy along the countryside."

And so, the inhabitants of the living realm did just that, and journeyed across the land to deliver the beauties of holy virtue to all. Banjo and Kazooie looked down from their heavenly perch and smiled at the grand outcome of their goodness. The fangs of evil were no longer a baring to fear, as righteousness always trumped despair.

**THE END**


End file.
